The midnight insomnia has gotten out of control lately. Most things have.

My life has always been like riding a a wild horse -erratically bucking and braying and taking off at breakneck speed before startling and changing direction, but at least I was in the saddle.

Right now I feel I've been sidelined in my own life.

That's not quite true - I have choices, I just don't like them.

One is too stay put and be patient; the other is to run off and be in the same position next year. Not much of an option but it would be a lie to say to don't have any.


Of course any normal adult wouldn't even think of running away let alone consider it an option. 


You might need to be reassured at this point that I am single and childless and by "run off" I mean ignore medical advice and delay an elective operation. 


Doesn't sound like a big deal but the operation has just been delayed for the second time (both times I made it to admissions and once I'd even been given a sedative) and I have been flung back onto the waiting lists for more tests. I don't even know how long the waiting list is, they just said "long".

I had just finished retraining as a journalist and was in the middle of a job search when the "issue"cropped up again. The operation as always been "a month away" and requires a three to six month recovery period, so I put my job search off - that was eight months ago.

My cousin announced and grew her baby in that time.

You don't need to know all the details now, suffice to say it's a physical injury. I wont die from it and I have a lot of blessings - family who supports me, a country that provides universal healthcare, and a home in one of New Zealand's sunniest towns.

Unfortunately they don't help me sleep.